Birds have not been my favorite species on earth. But I must admit maybe my dislike is their fearless flights, with their swoops and dives all while using a part of their brain. This human still has yet to master.
I mean literally master,
Hi, my name is sonja. And I get dizzy standing on a chair.
I am a flightless bird. Living in a world where wings are idolized.
From the Angels to the bees. We as humans can usually only imagine what a bird with no fear of the sky must feel like.
Even women and men in planes cannot void themselves of the fear of dropping out of the sky.
And yet those of us grounded, fear of being stuck in the sky with no navigational skills holds no elation or appeal.
My only dream with wings. Was one I had after a traumatic surgery on my face as a teenager. I felt trapped in my body. Trapped in a sleep state. Unable to fight the thick white cloud of sleep that was my constant companion when pain took a break.
One night after a particularly harsh conversation with my dad about spiking my food with the medications I refused to take. I was allowed to fix my own plate to assure that I was being spared the white haze, regardless of the pain.
While settling in for sleep, kept thinking that this was it. This was my stupid life. Stuck in a perpetual state of seeking perfection through this process perfection….
Then I fell out. When I came to I saw a lake of silvery water..and sitting on top was a butterfly cocoon wrapped in bandages and silk that shimmered with the lake.
It started to struggle and break it’s cocoon. But there was no beauty in this separation. Only crying struggle with a look of pain on the body of the cocoon. I tried willing myself to wake up, because the dream suddenly felt real and scary to me. But I was stuck there. Watching and listening to the struggle.
When the butterfly emerged it was a dark shade of blue with white spots. It stretched its wings intentionally. Not flinching at my dream self being present.
It took my dream self a minute to realize the butterfly was just a representation of my current mental state….the fighting, the pain, the wishing I could scream, and the hope that when the healing is over. I too would look just as strong and reborn.
It was just a few days later I pulled myself out if bed and returned to life and school…feeling invigorated by a dream, I don’t know why, but it stuck to my emotions for weeks. Pushing me to not feel sorry for myself. So in essence, I had finally learned to fly without turning away from the struggle of this sometimes painful life.