So, you would think that nightmares for me means, blood and gore, and horrible scenes and scary boogeymen….but those are just interesting.
Nightmares for me are the ones where I am suddenly thrown back in time with people who have zero care of my well being. Who watch me get drugged disappear from my family for days acting out of character, and getting my car towed, and then laugh at the things THEY remember me doing when I have no inkling of what happened. And then I lose my husband, my life, my kid, and my Ashcraft family. All while trying to piece together how I could have strayed again….
That was my nightmare last night. There is no joy or fantasy when you stumble in to a threesome you don’t remember, do drugs you don’t remember, and are surrounded by people who find joy in you fucking up your life.
I am glad to be awake today….the nightmare was so vivid because it was how I used to be. It startled me out of sleep and had me grabbing for Scotty and waking him up to make sure we were still on solid ground together.
So please, give me back the nightmares of horrific scenes, boogeymen with no purpose, ghosts set on replay, anything but the monster I used to be, the monster with a drug addiction and no concept of caring for myself much less anyone else.